Not Today, Catalytic Converter Thieves: Owen Beach Speed Bumps Fixed

In an act of heroic resistance to the ongoing epidemic of exhaust system thievery, Metro Parks Tacoma has refurbished the speed bumps along the Owen Beach parking lot.

Manager of MPT’s Speed Reduction Department, Brenda Parkboss, explained in a press release, “At some point during construction last spring, it seems a gaggle of miscreants snuck into the construction site and shaved off the edges of the speed bumps, making them significantly more abrupt. People think we just built them that way but come on, we’d know better than that.”

With the subtle modifications, the speed bumps essentially became small curbs. Unsuspecting motorists would approach them as they would any other speed bumps only to realize they were in fact efficient catalytic converter removal devices.

Tacoma Police Department’s Catalytic Converter Theft Task Force spokesperson, Allison Tufnutt,  explained how the criminal enterprise worked, “After the speed bumps had broken off the rear portion of the vehicle’s exhaust system, a waiting pipe pirate would scamper out of the forest and make off with the catalytic converter… Buncha crooked fuckers.”

The Owen Beach parking lot was closed most of Tuesday the 19th while crews ground down the precipitous peaks of the aptly nicknamed “Murder Humps.” Whoops of joy could be heard throughout Point Defiance on Wednesday morning as drivers enjoyed the much flatter speed bumps.

“HHHnnnnggg… That’s goooood,” said one driver of the now silky smooth speed bumps. “It’s like driving over a pile of butter.”

Not everyone was happy about the changes, though. A number of long faces could be seen hidden among the ferns beside the parking lot. “Darn it!” exclaimed one exhaust bandit as the first cars rolled in without incident. “Shucks,” said another while kicking rocks on the pedestrian path with his hands in his pockets, “Guess I’ll go get a real job now.”

Local 4-wheeler clubs also bemoaned the improvements. “We don’t have a lot of opportunities for off-roading in Tacoma,“ said Jeep owner, Jessie Doodbraugh, “The Owen Beach parking lot was our only local option to practice real rough-terrain driving.”

Beach traffic is expected to increase now that the lot is accessible to lowriders, Lamborghinis, and anyone else without a 6” lift kit. Next on the docket for improvements, Metro Parks will be adding an ‘S after OWEN on the large concrete sign to appease hardcore Tacomans who refuse to call the park by its proper name.

⚠️ In case it wasn’t obvious, this is satire. Metro Parks did actually fix the speed bumps but the rest of it is entirely made up.

  1. “ Next on the docket for improvements, Metro Parks will be adding an ‘S after OWEN on the large concrete sign to appease hardcore Tacomans who refuse to call the park by its proper name….”

    Hundreds of elder Seattleites nodded their grayed- and blue-haired heads from their porch rockers, mumbling “yeah. And It’s Pike, not Pike’s Market…”

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