Shit’s gettin’ real you guys*. UW Tacoma sent all their students home, your kid’s friend’s birthday party got canceled, even the mountain is self-quarantining behind a thick layer of germ proof clouds.
The easy answer to all this would be to hide out in your conspiracy-friendly neighbor’s hermetically sealed bunker until Summer comes and kills all the viruses. Here in Tacoma, though, we’ve gotten pretty good at finding silver linings in otherwise cloudy situations.
With that in mind, we asked Nina Hartman of Better Off Said to illustrate a list of things to do that are only possible now that COVID-19 has reared its ugly head.
Drive anywhere on I-5 in half the usual time
Not that you have to go anywhere, or even that you should go anywhere, but just the fact that you can drive through the entire city of Fife in 30 seconds flat is worth donning your hazmat suit and going for a spin.
Go to work naked
Getting your daily business done au naturel may be a gag for some but here in Coronavirus Central, you can make that dream a reality. You just gotta do it at home. Because that’s where you work now.
Avoid awkward social interaction
You’ve always tried to keep your introvertedness low-key but now you have the perfect excuse to say, “No thanks, guys! I’m gonna keep my healthy ass at home! Have fun coughing all over each other.”
Free yourself from the burden of toilet paper
You talk the talk about living green, you applauded Tacoma’s plastic bag ban, and there’s not a single roll of toilet paper to be found in a 100 mile radius. Now’s the time to put your money where your mouth is and dig that composting toilet in your front yard. Too bad the only leaves within reach are pine needles.
Alternatively, you could take this opportunity to explore reusable toilet paper options. Just don’t order it on Amazon ‘cause, you know, there’s no one there.
Finally use all those decorative soaps you’ve been saving for no reason
Your mother-in-law somehow got the impression that tiny rose-scented kitten-shaped bars of soap are one of your favorite things in life. Now that every bar of soap has been stripped from the shelves of Fred Meyer like Ramen noodles during Snowmageddon, you can finally melt those suckers down and put them to good use.
Return Point Defiance raccoons to nature
Generations of ring-tailed trash pandas have become almost entirely dependent on the snack food handouts of ignorant tourists. This period of natural quarantine may just provide them with enough motivation to go find some food on their own.
*If you’re shaking your head in disgust right now, please understand that we’re not trying to make light of anyone’s personal suffering. There’s a lot of serious talk going on right now and we’re just trying to impart a bit of levity in a hard situation.
So before you go on a big rant on Facebook about how disrespectful we are, remember that some of us prefer using humor as a coping mechanism in the face of looming pandemic doom. Lord knows there are enough people out there already using hysteria and toilet paper hoarding.