Seattle-Based The Needling Takes Aim at Tacoma and Beyond

“I’m from Seattle,” Says Liar from Shoreline was the first headline I came across from Seattle-based site The Needling. I won’t even lie, I snorted as iterations of “I’m from Tacoma,” Says Liar from Fircrest/University Place/Etc. flashed through my mind.

On a regular basis they dish out the kind of jabs that are so wrong they’re right. Allow me to share a few of my favorite examples:

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We all know Seattle is the home of political correctness and celebrated diversity efforts that are the ultimate panacea for white guilt, but it’s high time we just say what’s been on all our minds: Californians need to go back where they came from. Except Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder, of course—one of the good ones. Man, he’s awesome. We proud native Seattleites are descendants of those who staked down American homes here the old-fashioned way: Violently booting Native tribes off into oblivion, stealing homes and farmland from Japanese immigrants, and red-lining away people of color who somehow still had enough money to buy a home even after getting screwed on the GI Bill. But then these Californians want to move here just because they saw some pretty pictures of mountains, greenery, rain and relatively affordable housing? Disgusting. Get off our land, dudes. Did you know Vedder wrote the lyrics to the first Pearl Jam hits while he was surfing in San Diego? That guy is so talented. —>Read more of this hot take at TheNeedling.com (link in bio) #Seattle #Seattleites #NativeSeattle #SeattleNative #SeattleNatives #SeattleCulture #SeattleLife #Native #Californians #TheCalifornians #California #MovingToSeattle #EddieVedder #PearlJam #DirtyHippies #MyLandIsNotYourLand #NIMBY #PoliticallyCorrect #GoBackWhereYouCameFrom #Dude

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Unsure of whether the 14,411-foot volcano looming over the Seattle metro area was still there, a team of about 108 Southwest coach passengers took flight this morning to confirm that it is still, in fact, there. “YEP. There it is!” Shouted a team member pointing out the window as the reconnaissance aircraft swooped past the mountain on its way to LA. “It’s right there — look! Look!” Upon landing, the team shared their findings as soon as possible via Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and any other platform available to share their unique finding. —> Full story at TheNeedling.com (link in bio). #MountRainier #Rainier #MtRainier #Seattle #Southwest #SouthwestAirlines #PNW #PNWonderland #SeaTac #Flyover#SeaTacAirport #MtRainierNationalPark #WashingtonState #Volcano #Volcanoes #InFlightPhotography #PNWVolcanoes #RareSighting #RarePhoto #RareSightingPhotography

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While attending a birthday party he organized at The Hard Rock Cafe, Seattle resident Allan Williams mourned the loss of several local businesses, none of which he’s ever been to. “I heard such good things about the Nitelite Lounge but now I’ll never know for myself, you know? It’s such a shame, but what are you gonna do?” he asked, failing to grasp a fundamental aspect of capitalism. For more on what Williams says he's afraid he's missing out on, visit TheNeedling.com (link in bio). #Seattle #SeattleBusiness #VanishingSeattle #ShowBoxSeattle #ShowBox #NiteliteLounge #ScarecrowVideo #LocalBusiness #LocalBusinesses #BuyLocal #SupportIndie #IndieSeattle #ShopLocal #shopsmall #supportlocal #seattlesmallbiz #Capitalism #FOMO

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In what would have been a landmark study, Seattle levels of apathy and indifference have reached historic highs, according to survey data yet to be collected. "We thought it might be cool to do a study on how local weather and culture affect the drive and ambition of local residents,” said University of Washington data analyst John Cox from the comfort of his bed. “It feels like a general malaise is sweeping through the community, but my colleagues just shrugged when I presented the idea.” Learn more about this study that almost happened at TheNeedling.com (link in bio). #Study #Science #Seattle #Apathy #HeyApathy #Malaise #GraySkies #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder #LandmarkStudy #OffTheCharts #IDontCare #Huh #What

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Move aside Cle Elum – ain’t nobody got time for number two: According to @seattlemag , this year’s top pee break in Washington state is Ellensburg. Flocked by undulating yellow waves of grain, the mag says this quaint Interstate 90 stop is sure to get your bladder watering. And if that doesn’t do it, the sheer number of Trump roadside signs alone will have your kidneys immediately begging for sweet ureic release. Next time you stop by, don’t miss a few of our own favorite spots to break your seal in Washington state’s favorite place to piss off → Continue reading full story at TheNeedling.com (link in bio). #Ellensburg #EllensburgWA #EllensburgWashington #NumberOne #PeeBreak #CleElum #NumberTwo #DowntownEllensburg #MyEllensburg #CentralWashington #CentralWashingtonUniversity #I90 #Interstate90 #Seattle #SeattleMagazine #Roadtrip #BathroomBreak #Washington #WashingtonState #WashingtonRoadTrip #TravelWashington #PNW #PNWonderland #PNWTravel

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Hot on the heels of The Showbox music venue’s push for landmark status, another enduring city feature has applied for landmark status of its own: the eternal road construction of SR 99. The famed tire-shredding highway, known in its most popular local stretch as “Aurora”, has been a beloved pothole-craggled hellzone since its initial construction in 1969. Local resident Keith Abrahms spoke fondly of all the memories the traffic-cone riddled road has given him over the years. “I remember my first flat tire like it was yesterday,” reminisced Abrahms, stubbing a cigarette out on the stoop of his room at The Aurora Motel. “Going 70 and hitting a pothole, big sum-bitch dropped the whole rig and I hit the roof, spilling my beer everywhere. She’s a mischievous devil, but you want a gal that can keep you on your toes." –>Full story at TheNeedling.com (link in bio) #Seattle #SeattleLandmarks #SeattleHistory #SR99 #Highway99 #Hwy99 #AuroraAvenue #SDOT #SeattleTraffic #SeattleTransportation #SeattleCommute #SeattleProcess #SeattleLandmark #WSDOT #UnderConstruction #Landmark #Landmarks #HistoricalLandmark #LustyLady #SaveTheShowBox #TheShowBox #ShowBox #TheShowBoxSeattle #ShowboxSeattle #Memories

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Long tucked into beanies and snapbacks, Seattle’s man buns are finally emerging from their cotton cocoons and blossoming into waves of follicle foliage just in time for the region’s slew of summer festivities. An uncharacteristically wet July has stifled the typically timely emergence of the Pacific Northwest’s endemic hair population, but local hairnothologists expect a strong comeback. “Despite the late start, I think we’re going to have a really strong man bun season this year,” said Thad Parker, Lead Hairnothologist at Seattle Beauty College. –>Full story at TheNeedling.com (link in bio) #Seattle #SeattleMen #ManBuns #ManBun #ManBunHairstyle #ManBunStyle #ManBunLifestyle #SeattleSummer #SeattleSummers#SummerInSeattle #SeattleLife #PNWLife #PNWMen #Hipsters #HipsterHair #SeattleHair #SeattleHairstyles #SeattleHaircut #Blossom #ManBunLove

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Self-proclaimed to be “Seattle’s Only Real Fake News” site, The Needling rips on our historically more celebrated sister to the north on the regular, but also neighboring areas. In fact, they recently gave our beloved Tacoma this roasting:

The article, as you ought to expect, only gets worse from there. An excerpt:

Since its inception in the nineties, Seattle’s Gum Wall at Pike Place Market has become one of the region’s most famous tourist fixtures. Long envious of the beloved biohazard to the north, Tacoma has recently unveiled its own community-sourced art attraction: The Used Band-Aid Wall.

With Tacoma’s own bile inducing pitstop, the city hopes it will quickly climb the rankings of the world’s germiest tourist attractions.

“The byproduct of your cuts and scrapes can now be woven into the fabric of the city of Tacoma,” said Used Band-Aid Wall spokesperson Ted Mazzagatti while ripping a hair-laden bandage from his arm for the wall. “We welcome the injured from all walks of life to apply their gooey Band-Aids, hairy Band-aids, filthy Band-Aids squeamishly scraped from the bottom of your shoe–they’re all welcome on our brand new art installation!”

When it comes to satire, I’m of the belief you’re either wholly in our out. If the 206 and beyond are up for grabs then we in the 253 area must be as well. And really, if you can’t handle a few jabs intermittently aimed at Tacoma this might not be the town for you. Buck up and consider joining in the fun.

All are welcome to submit future headlines regarding our area to Submit@TheNeedling.com. If you have any particular Tacoma roasts to share send them, but also feel free to drop them in a comment below. We’re all ears.

Images and other whatnots shared with consent from The Needling. We sent a few emails. It’s cool. Go give ’em a follow on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter if that’s somehow still your thing.

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