Snowmageddon 2019. Day 5, 2100: The sound of melting slush permeates Tacoma. Tires fly through sloppy piles of icy mush as citizens once thought lost for good emerge from their shelters.
Amounts vary by exact location, but something like 20 damn inches of snow fell in the area. For the record, this Snowpocalypse was “the seventh-snowiest month dating to 1895 and the fourth-snowiest since records have been kept at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport.”
For posterity, we now recap all that has transpired, with additional notes fromfellow survivors included…
“Being prepared for severe weather is no joke, but having just left Fred Meyer on 19th we gotta say there were only a few shelves we saw completely wiped out.
“The good news is that, even if salty carb stuff is in low supply in Tacoma, there’s plenty of kale and decaf coffee available for stocking up on. You last minute people are going to experience a very healthy and relaxing snowpocalypse.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 1, 0900:
“The beast rears its ugly head. Brace yourselves, Tacoma. The end is nigh.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 1, 1400:
“Contact with other survivors becoming less frequent.
Saw someone actually attempting to operate a vehicle in this maelstrom of whiteness. Likely dead and frozen by now.
Rumors circulating about a group of antiquarian survivalists taking refuge at Fort Nisqually.
Will likely resort to cannibalism before long.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 1, 1800:
“Darkness descends on the wreckage of our city.
Roving bands of outlaws have taken over South Tacoma, terrorising survivors.
Relying on Mad Maxian monster trucks, they’re the only ones able to travel in the unrelenting blizzard.
Garbage cans are left out as mementos of our once thriving system of public utilities.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 1, 2100:
“Cabin fever is starting to set in. Distraught neighbors made a feeble attempt at evacuation.
With snow drifts nearing curb height, chance of success is essentially zero.
Top Ramen stockpiles are running low. Will search neighbors’ frozen bodies for supplies in the morning.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 2, 1030:
“Overnight snowfall has obscured all signs of roadways and sidewalks. Tunneling efforts have begun.
May reach the road by evening.
Downloading episodes of Man vs. Wild in anticipation of internet outages.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 2, 1315:
“Utter chaos has broken out in Wright Park. Tables have been upended and battle lines between clans have been drawn.
Animals that were pets mere days ago have gone feral and now run wild. Maniacal laughter from their owners can be heard for a mile.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 2, 1730:
“Ventured deeper into the arctic wasteland before sundown.
Discovered showoff neighbors flaunting their Stewart & Stevenson M1079 like, ‘Yea we can drive to Fred Meyer whenever, man.’
Clearly compensating for tiny stockpiles.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 3, 1200:
“Lack of human contact is starting to take a toll. Losing grip on reality.
Seeking companionship in any way possible. Possibly suffering from frostbite.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 3, 1630:
“The second onslaught of frozen death flakes is upon us. CGI projections of tonight’s snowfall appear highly likely.
Morale is at an all time low after news of Justin Timberlake’s concert cancelation reached the frozen tundra of Tacoma.
Hordes of adoring fans on dog sleds are turned away from the Tacoma Dome, dejected.
“Top Ramen stockpiles are exhausted. Neighbor’s hamster proved less nutritious than anticipated.
Tire shops sold out of inner tubes for miles around.
Blocking all text messages from relatives in Florida.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 4, 1730:
“Just when survivors began finding order and making sense of the new ice age, some unnatural hell comes raining down without warning.
Children look on in horror as a slurry of disemboweled snowmen cover their yards. Roadways are overwhelmed by a frozen lahar…
Slushpocalypse is upon us.”
Snowmageddon 2019. Day 5, 1600:
“As the tortured masses stand beneath mammoth sized icicles, praying to be put out of their misery, a strange sensation sweeps across the land.
Warmth. Hope. Salvation. The sun has returned and the frozen onslaught has begun to recede.
Tacoma stood defiantly, looked death in its cold ugly face, and said, ‘Nuh ‘uh.’
With soggy boots and frostbitten extremities, we stand together, breathe deeply, and sigh heavily as we realize we all have to go back to work in the morning.”
Additional accounts of the utter chaos and devastation:
Wright Park and downtown madness as witnessed by me:
Cleanup efforts continue as schools begrudgingly open doors once again. It appears, despite all fears and dramatics, life as we know it in Tacoma will march on.
May we never type or utter the words “snowmageddon,” “snowpocalypse,” or “snowmgtacoma” again.
Images by Sierra Hartman, Sara Kay, and a slew of other folks who hung out with us through the storm. Thanks to everyone for pitching in and making the jokes. We’ve done our best to include names in images as credits. If you see something missing that ought to be added in you’re welcome to email us: firstname.lastname@example.org.