The worst part is, it wasn’t even a story. It was just a 20 word Instagram post that auto-shared to our Facebook page. It was originally posted Saturday, August 4th and within a week it had earned 692 likes, 710 comments, over 2,000 shares, and had been seen by more than 426,000 people.
But because the story is what’s supposed to be the important part, we met up with the owner of the phallus-emblazoned minivan to learn more about its purpose and background.
The heavily modified Kia Sedona belongs to Brandon Lockwood of South Tacoma. It was built for the Gambler 500, a two day, 500 mile, mostly off-road, navigational challenge for impractical beater cars valued at $500 or less. Participants also pick up trash along the entire course to give back to the environment. At each stage, teams have a choice between the Easy Way, the Gambler Way, and the Devil’s Butthole. Taking part in the event is, in essence, a gamble.
Talking about other vehicles he saw at the Gambler, Brandon said, “It wasn’t the craziest one but it was the only one covered in dicks for sure.”
Unlike some other participants, Brandon’s van wasn’t just a junkyard find. It had been the family van for almost 11 years before being reborn as “Rocky the Tactivan.”
His kids named it Rocky years ago after bottoming out multiple times on its way up a mountain with 10 grown men in the back. It had recently been in a front end collision and where many would’ve seen loss, Brandon saw opportunity.
The van now has an almost 6” lift and the fenders had to be cut out to fit the beefy tires. The wheels are spaced out a couple inches on either side and because sliding doors wouldn’t fit around the newly enlarged tires, Brandon had to rip out the door panels. Fortunately he had plenty of cardboard from Rainier cases to cover the unsightly mechanical bits.
The front bumper is a custom build and the ahooga horn tops the whole thing off perfectly. There was a big dildo hood ornament at one point but some desperate miscreant ran off with it. They left the rear license plate bracket that says, “My other ride is your mom.”
So why all the dicks?
He was inspired by something similar that he saw online and asked his friend John Bernardo to make him some stencils. “He’s a graphic designer and he’s gay so I figured, why not go to the expert?” Brandon explained. “Once I got it OD green it was just a matter of slappin’ cocks on.”
Brandon is an army veteran of the 82nd Airborne and now works as an ER nurse. He’s also a tactical arms instructor with Northwest Tactical Training and Lock and Load ‘em.
You can often find him in the workshop of Grit City Custom Knives with his hetero life mate, Joel Green. If you ever see the hashtag #PEW53 on Instagram, there’s a good chance it involves one of them.
If you’ve been keeping an eye out for his van around Tacoma but haven’t found it yet, there are two main reasons. One, it’s camouflaged. Duh. And two, it needs a couple more bits fixed up before it’s ready to roll again.
Brandon assured me though, “Once I get the motor mount fixed and the A/C running, it’ll be a daily driver. I don’t give a fuck.”
