Last Minute Gift Ideas for Well Meaning People

The holidays are a time for family togetherness, ambiguous religious symbolism, and crippling stress over gift giving. Sure, you could just go out and buy everyone the perfect gift, but store-bought presents are just so mainstream, you know? If you want to be remembered as the one friend/family member/sex-have-with-er who really gets to the core of what gift giving should be, look no further than yourself*.

*And, occasionally, Craigslist.

Hair

Nothing is more intimate and meaningful than a literal piece of yourself.

Five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact

Show that special someone that you really care. Like, REALLY care.

Macaroni necklaces

Unique, Etsy-esque, and useful in a survival situation.

No Fart Guarantee

If last year’s foot rub coupon felt a little too generic, the promise of a flatulence-free evening is sure to impress.

A piano

Go on Craigslist right now and look for piano under “Free Stuff”. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Seriously, there’s ALWAYS someone giving away a piano. And who wouldn’t love a piano?

Illustrations by Nina Hartman

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‘Twas the Fife Before Christmas