The holidays are a time for family togetherness, ambiguous religious symbolism, and crippling stress over gift giving. Sure, you could just go out and buy everyone the perfect gift, but store-bought presents are just so mainstream, you know? If you want to be remembered as the one friend/family member/sex-have-with-er who really gets to the core of what gift giving should be, look no further than yourself*.
*And, occasionally, Craigslist.
Nothing is more intimate and meaningful than a literal piece of yourself.
Five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact
Show that special someone that you really care. Like, REALLY care.
Unique, Etsy-esque, and useful in a survival situation.
No Fart Guarantee
If last year’s foot rub coupon felt a little too generic, the promise of a flatulence-free evening is sure to impress.
Go on Craigslist right now and look for piano under “Free Stuff”. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Seriously, there’s ALWAYS someone giving away a piano. And who wouldn’t love a piano?
Illustrations by Nina Hartman